You Don’t Have to Be Likeable

Most of us like being liked. There is nothing particularly unusual about that. It feels good when people enjoy our company, value our opinion and speak positively about us. Even people who insist they don’t care what anybody thinks usually care what at least a few people think.

Leadership complicates that natural desire because sometimes doing your job properly requires making decisions that people won’t like.

You may have to tell somebody their performance isn’t good enough, decline a pay rise, reject an idea somebody has worked hard on, change a working arrangement, introduce a new expectation or make a decision that benefits the organisation but creates inconvenience for individuals.

You can communicate those decisions with empathy, fairness and respect. You can listen to concerns and reconsider when somebody gives you information you didn’t have. What you cannot do is guarantee that everybody will like you afterwards.

Trying to achieve that is exhausting, and eventually it can make you a worse leader.

Likeability and good leadership aren’t the same thing

A likeable leader can absolutely be a good leader. Warmth, humour, empathy and the ability to build genuine relationships with people are enormous strengths.

The problem comes when being liked becomes more important than leading.

If you need everybody to think you’re wonderful, difficult conversations become harder. You may tolerate poor performance for too long because you don’t want somebody to be upset with you. You might avoid challenging behaviour, agree to requests you know aren’t reasonable or make exceptions that create problems elsewhere. In the moment, those decisions can feel kind. Over time, they often aren’t.

The employee performing well may wonder why somebody else’s poor performance is continually ignored. The person following the rules may become frustrated when somebody else repeatedly receives exceptions. A team can quickly lose confidence in a leader who is pleasant to everybody but unwilling to address anything difficult.

Being nice and being fair are not always the same thing.

Somebody being unhappy with you doesn’t automatically mean you were wrong

This can be difficult to remember, particularly for leaders who are naturally empathetic. Somebody leaves a meeting upset and you replay everything you said. An employee disagrees with a decision and you wonder whether you should reverse it. Someone becomes distant after receiving feedback and suddenly you’re questioning whether you handled the conversation badly. Sometimes you did.

Leaders get things wrong. We misjudge situations, communicate badly, make decisions without enough information and occasionally need to apologise. Self-reflection matters. But somebody else’s unhappiness isn’t proof that you have behaved badly.

There are decisions where disappointment is unavoidable. Two people apply for one promotion and only one can receive it. A budget cannot accommodate every request. Somebody may genuinely believe their performance is excellent when the evidence says otherwise.

You can deliver a fair decision compassionately and still have somebody leave the room unhappy. Both things can be true.

Popularity can become a trap

There is something particularly difficult about moving from colleague to leader.

Perhaps you used to be part of the same conversations, complain about the same things and socialise with everybody in exactly the same way. Then your role changes and suddenly you have access to information you cannot share, responsibility for decisions you once only had opinions about and accountability for the performance of people who previously saw you as an equal.

Trying to preserve exactly the same relationship with everybody can become impossible. This doesn’t mean leadership requires becoming distant or pretending you no longer have friendships. It does mean recognising that your responsibilities have changed.

There may be conversations you can no longer participate in. There may be information you have to keep confidential. You may occasionally have to make a decision that affects somebody you genuinely like. That can feel uncomfortable, but leadership isn’t a popularity contest.

Respect matters more

If you had to choose, being respected is considerably more useful than being universally liked. Respect doesn’t mean people are frightened of you or never challenge you. In healthy organisations, employees should be able to disagree with leaders, question decisions and raise concerns without worrying about the consequences.

Respect is built differently. People learn that you mean what you say, that standards apply consistently, that you’ll listen before making decisions and that you won’t humiliate somebody because they’ve made a mistake. They know where they stand with you.

Importantly, respect can survive disagreement. Somebody can think you made the wrong decision and still respect the way you made it. They can dislike feedback while recognising that it was fair. They can be disappointed that you said no while understanding why the answer was no.

That is a much stronger foundation for leadership than simply wanting everybody to think you’re nice.

Fairness will occasionally make you unpopular

One of the quickest ways to become popular with an individual is to give them what they want. One of the quickest ways to lose credibility with everybody else is to do that inconsistently.

Leadership forces you to think beyond the person standing in front of you. If you make this exception, what happens when somebody else asks? If you overlook this behaviour, what does that communicate to the rest of the team? If you give one person something because they pushed hardest, what does that mean for the quieter employee who followed the process?

Fairness doesn’t always mean treating everybody identically because people’s circumstances differ. It does mean being able to explain why decisions are made and applying principles consistently.

Sometimes the fairest answer will still be one somebody doesn’t like.

Don’t confuse being disliked with being brave

There is another side to this that matters. Some leadership advice almost celebrates being unpopular, as though upsetting people is evidence that you’re making difficult decisions. It isn’t.

If everybody who works for you is miserable, frightened to speak to you or continually leaving the organisation, the explanation probably isn’t that you’re simply too strong a leader for people to handle.

Good leadership should still involve kindness, listening and emotional intelligence. “You don’t have to like me” should never become an excuse for arrogance, rudeness or treating employees without respect.

There is nothing impressive about being unnecessarily difficult. The aim isn’t to become comfortable with people disliking you because you treat them badly. It is to become comfortable with the possibility that somebody may dislike a fair decision you genuinely needed to make. That distinction matters enormously.

Stop trying to manage everybody’s opinion of you

Leadership becomes emotionally exhausting when you start monitoring how everybody feels about you. Was that email too blunt? Why did they seem quiet in the meeting? Are they annoyed with me? What are people saying when I’m not there? Does the team still like me?

Some awareness is healthy. Leaders need feedback and should pay attention to morale and culture. But you cannot manage every private opinion somebody has about you.

People will occasionally misunderstand your intentions. They may discuss decisions with colleagues and disagree with them. Somebody might simply not particularly like your personality. You don’t particularly like everybody you meet either. Not every relationship needs to become personal.

If people are treated fairly, feel safe raising concerns and understand what is expected of them, whether every individual would choose to have dinner with you isn’t a particularly useful measure of your leadership.

The hardest decisions test this most

It is relatively easy not to care about being liked when everybody is happy. The real test comes when leadership becomes difficult.

Businesses sometimes need to restructure. Roles change. Budgets tighten. People don’t pass probation. Contracts end. Promotions go elsewhere. Strategies change and occasionally somebody who has contributed enormously in the past is no longer right for what the organisation needs next.

Those decisions involve real people with real lives, and they should never be treated casually. A good leader should feel the weight of them. But feeling the weight of a decision doesn’t always mean avoiding it.

There will be times when you can be compassionate, thoughtful and as fair as possible and somebody will still think badly of you afterwards. That is part of the responsibility you accepted when you became the person making the decision.

Let your character matter more than your popularity

Perhaps the healthier question isn’t, “Do people like me?” It is whether you like the way you lead.

Do you treat people with dignity? Do you admit when you’re wrong? Are you consistent? Do you listen? Can people tell you something you don’t want to hear? Do you make decisions based on what you genuinely believe is right rather than what will make you popular in the moment? Those are things you can control. Popularity isn’t.

Some people will love working with you. Some will respect you without ever feeling particularly close to you. Others may decide you’re not the leader for them, and occasionally somebody simply won’t like you regardless of what you do.

Leadership becomes much lighter when you stop treating every one of those reactions as a judgement on your worth as a person.

You don’t need to become cold. You don’t need to stop caring what people think, and you certainly don’t need to deliberately make yourself unlikeable.

You simply need to accept that being a good leader and being liked by everybody are two different things.

Choose fairness over popularity, respect over approval and integrity over the temporary comfort of keeping everybody happy. Be willing to listen when you’ve got something wrong, but don’t automatically assume you’ve done something wrong simply because somebody doesn’t like the decision you made.

You can be kind without being a people-pleaser. You can be compassionate without avoiding difficult conversations, and you can lead with warmth without needing universal approval.

You don’t have to be likeable to everybody. You do have to be able to look at the way you treat people and respect yourself for it.

Keep looking after you

Wellbeing looks different for everyone, and sometimes the most useful thing is simply finding the right information at the right time. Explore more from Daily Round with our dedicated Women’s Health, Men’s Wellbeing and Wellbeing for Leaders sections, or head to the Leaders Library for our latest book recommendations, ideas and inspiration for life in and outside work.