Going Back: Why returning to a place from a difficult time can stir up old emotions

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have returned to the UK with their children, six years after stepping away from life as working members of the Royal Family and moving to North America.

Inevitably, much of the conversation surrounding Harry and Meghan’s return has focused on the Royal Family, their relationship with King Charles, security and what their move might mean for the future. But their return also raises an interesting question that has nothing particularly royal about it: what does it feel like to go back to a place that you associate with one of the most difficult periods of your life?

We cannot know how Meghan feels about returning to Britain, and it would be wrong to assume. What we do know is what she has chosen to share publicly about her previous experience here. During her 2021 interview with Oprah Winfrey, Meghan spoke openly about experiencing severe mental health difficulties and suicidal thoughts while she was a working member of the Royal Family and pregnant with her first child.

Her circumstances are unique, but the experience of returning somewhere connected with difficult memories is not.

For many women, that place might be the town where a relationship ended, the hospital where something frightening happened, the workplace where they experienced bullying or burnout, or simply a house, street or city associated with a period when they were deeply unhappy. It might be somewhere connected with divorce, bereavement, becoming a mother, caring for somebody, financial difficulties or a time when life felt completely overwhelming.

Years can pass. Life can become happier and more settled. You can genuinely believe that you have moved on, and then find yourself unexpectedly emotional when you go back. There is a reason that can happen.

Our memories are not stored simply as a list of events. Places, sounds, smells, people and other sensory experiences can become strongly connected with emotionally significant periods of our lives. Encountering one of those reminders again can sometimes bring back feelings and memories surprisingly quickly.

For someone who has experienced trauma, these responses can be particularly powerful. NHS guidance explains that reminders including places, people, sounds and smells can trigger memories of a traumatic experience. But having an emotional response to somewhere from your past does not automatically mean that you have post-traumatic stress disorder, nor does every difficult period of life constitute trauma.

Sometimes going back simply reminds us of who we were and what we were dealing with at that particular point in our lives.

You might drive along a familiar road and suddenly remember the journey you used to make when you were unhappy. You might walk into an old workplace and notice your stomach tighten before you have consciously thought about why. A song playing in a shop can take you back years. Even a familiar perfume or the smell of a hospital corridor can unlock memories you have barely thought about for a long time.

That can feel confusing, particularly when your life is very different now.

One of the most useful things to remember is that an old feeling appearing does not necessarily mean you have gone backwards. You can have healed considerably and still find certain memories painful. Progress does not require becoming completely emotionally indifferent to everything that has happened to you.

It can help to recognise what is happening rather than immediately fighting the feeling. Grounding techniques are commonly recommended when memories or anxiety feel overwhelming because they bring attention back to what is happening around you now. Something as simple as noticing what you can see, hear and feel, slowing your breathing or reminding yourself where you are and what day it is can help separate the present moment from the memory it has brought back.

Planning can also make returning somewhere difficult feel more manageable. That might mean travelling with somebody you trust, deciding beforehand how long you want to stay, arranging somewhere comfortable to go afterwards or simply giving yourself permission to leave if you have had enough. It is also worth resisting the idea that there is a correct way to feel.

You may return somewhere you once desperately wanted to escape and discover that it no longer has any power over you. You might feel sad. You might feel angry. You might be surprised by how happy you are to be back. Sometimes several of those feelings can exist at exactly the same time. There can even be something empowering about returning under different circumstances.

The building may be the same. The streets may look familiar. Some of the people might still be there. But you are arriving with experiences, relationships, knowledge and choices that you did not have the first time around.

For women especially, life can contain several periods of enormous transition. Relationships change, children arrive, careers evolve, families separate, parents grow older and sometimes we have to rebuild lives we once thought were settled. Going back can make the distance travelled suddenly very visible.

Of course, there is a difference between uncomfortable memories and distress that is affecting everyday life. If returning somewhere causes persistent anxiety, panic, intrusive memories, nightmares or avoidance that begins interfering with normal activities, it is worth speaking to a GP or mental health professional. Effective support is available, and you do not have to wait until things become unbearable before asking for help.

Perhaps that is why the idea of going back resonates far beyond one famous family’s return to Britain.

Most of us have somewhere that holds an earlier version of ourselves. Sometimes we avoid it. Sometimes circumstances take us back there. And occasionally, returning allows us to see something we could not see when we were living through it: the place may be the same, but we are not.

Going back does not always mean going backwards.

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